Detention and false accusations

Monday morning (261009) I get up from bed and go check my mobile phone as usual. Well not quite as usual as I generally have it in my bedroom. But last night I left it the computer room because I was charging it there. From going through the messages I see that my daughter was taken to Hospital around 0500 and I had also missed a call from a friend. So I get dressed and go straight in to the hospital to find that my daughter was blazing (drunk) the previous night and decided to harm herself again.
I had thought as she had moved out from her mothers and was living in her new flat that she had left that sort of behaviour behind, clearly I was mistaken and as it turns out there was a lot more being kept from me. During the day I text the person that had texted me the previous night about her condition inquiring if she knew the whys and where forth leading up to my daughter’s actions and she intimated that that she didn’t want to give me all the information via text. So at last I’m thinking to myself I’m going to have someone close to her that is going to keep me informed and hopefully it will lead to a solution. We decided to meet that night, making sure that my daughter didn’t know, so we did.
Met around 1945ish and drove to a car park to talk, as it turned out she didn’t have anymore information for me (except she told me that my daughter was drinking a lot more than I had previously thought). After about an hour’s banter things got a little hot and this continued for about definitely no more than an hour probably 40mins, to be honest not sure didn’t have a time watch on it. Anyway after this amount of time we ended our actions and started the bantering up again. We continued our conversation until about 2350 when I dropped the person off with her saying that she would get paid on Thursday and she would txt me about coming to visit the following Friday. The last thing she said before getting out of the car that she would look after my daughter for me. Basically a fairly enjoyable evening………………….no…. it was the beginning of a Nightmare.
Went straight home and dug out a book I had bought on self harming and poured myself a glass of wine. Took book to bed and started on it, its heavy going so I only managed a few pages finished the wine went to sleep.
DOORBELL wakens me, I’m confused its still dark check the time and its 0500 Jesus I panic as I’m thinking this time the self harming has gone too far. Panic rising in my chest I rush to the door and I'm right it’s the police, now I'm really panicking and thinking the worst. But there is a CID guy there who informs me he has come to detain me (WTF) on a charge of indecent assault, I can’t believe this.
So he gets bags and puts all the clothes I had been wearing into them and labels them, he also confiscated my mobile. They are also going to get a forensic team up from Inverness to go over my car, it’s impounded. Then I'm made to get dressed and lock up, the uniform officer takes out his handcuffs to secure me but I manage to persuade him he doesn’t need them. Off to Wick Police Station we go where I'm relieved of my shoes and belt and given a body search, then thrown into a cell.
Cell is very bright, wooden bench and not that hot, but I'm thinking I'm here until so he can interview me; hours go by looks like they are going to hold me until the final hour. Five hours in and they come to interview me.
I’ve seen it on TV never did it before, we are in a room with a table and chairs and a recording devise. I'm asked if I want to give a statement, thinking bloody right I do I have not assaulted anyone, I tell them on tape exactly what happened that night, so I'm thinking that’s it all cleared up, oh no silly me. Now I’m off to give swab tests, DNA et all. I'm being made to feel real guilty by these guys.
So over six hours from being detained they are giving me a lift home.

“Now what” I'm thinking well it seems they will collect more evidence and produce it to the Proc Fiscal and its up to him to decide whether it goes to court or not. Great, this has become a tremendous nightmare even more so by the fact that one of the people involved could be my daughter and that the girl I’ve known for years (still can’t figure why?). The scenario itself is horrendous but could be more palatable if it involved strangers. Also what is so scary and terrifying is the fact that a single human being just has to make a complaint against another and the latter is immediately presumed to be guilty.
So I'm back home feeling like crap but at least I'm not being held in the Police station although I don’t feel safe as they could be back any moment to arrest me.
Next day I manage to get my car back from them, so now I'm mobile again. It’s a waiting game now with the shadow hanging over me that I may have to go to court to prove my innocence………feels like guilty until proven innocent!
Time to talk to a solicitor to make sure I know what I should or should not be doing. First thing he tells me is that I shouldn’t have answered any of their questions at all as its their job to prove me guilty. Now this amazes me as I was thinking I made my statement because I wanted to get things cleared up and put it behind me, I was thinking that the police would have taken an arbitrary stance on this, it would seem from the lawyer’s point of view I'm incorrect. Its pretty dangerous learning lessons in this scenario but I'm not doing anything without the lawyers go ahead, from now on
A few days pass I get a call from one of the detectives stating the obvious that I'm a firearm holder, he wants me to hand it over. This paints a wonderful picture, accused man has gun will go mad with it, or we don’t think he is innocent so we better take away his firearms as you can imagine I didn’t hand it over voluntary, made them get a warrant, which he did and now he has it. Makes me wonder if the other party is getting treated like this or are they getting the kid glove approach?
Its now been a week since I was taken and detained, and the waiting game goes on.
Its quite difficult playing the waiting game because you see a car and wonder if its them coming to arrest you, knock on the door and your heartbeat races. Even answering the phone puts the hair up on your neck. Knowing your innocent, doesn’t take away the pressure of thinking that I maybe have to go to court to prove it. In this scenario its pretty obvious that nothing will be the same afterwards.

Another day passes and no information but I suppose having said that they could decide to “pop” around anytime. Haven't been back into my bed since the night I was detained, I mean I went to bed, worried about a family member but otherwise feeling fairly contented only to be forced out of it at 05am. Now I can’t go to sleep in it because irrationally I feel so insecure there, especially as I'm playing a waiting game, hopefully when all this is over Ill be able to get back to sleeping there.

Another thing that keeps running around in my head and has been voiced by others and its this: If something like this had happened 30 odd years ago it would have had a serious detrimental effect on my trust towards women and dating. Friends have been voicing their fears too, it’s amazingly simple to put someone in a very frightening, tragic and what looks like a very bios not to say precarious situation with the police and the law. Of course there is also the fact that freedom could be surrendered too.

That’s it up till 1730 Wednesday, will keep you up to date as it unfolds

Decisions and consequences

It’s strange how we end up experiencing things that we would avoid like the plague if given the chance, but yet these experiences are brought about by our own decisions, acts, judgements, spur of the moment reactions, off the cuff comments. If we did things or made decisions even the little ones right through to the serious ones with thought of the future and serious intent would life be changed. Would the experiences of the present be better if we had always given serious contemplation to our actions? Would our lives lose the fun factor, does it mean that the majority of us would find it pretty intolerable? What consequences do these actions have on everyday life, would it be the killer of spontaneity and fun?
On the other hand if we paid careful attention, would not the future period of our existence not be a better one? Would we not have made all the best decisions we could at every stage to make sure our future was healthy and bright. Ah but this raises another problem when do we decide we have reached that point I suppose never thus we would remain serious attentive boring people until our demise.
Ok then lets take it a stage outside of ourselves, lets say as adults we have children, now what happens if we follow the rules from above, does it mean we make sure at every point that our children are happy? Surely most of us would argue that that is the point of being a parent. The protectiveness of being a parent precludes that this argument is a foregone conclusion, having said that surely it would also means that the fun element of growing up would be eliminated. Something tells me the children would probably make that a difficult one to achieve.
So lets say we make decisions for ourselves not really for our kids, are we now being bad parents. Ok I can see that is too much of a grey question, lets turn it up a bit. Lets say we make serious decisions that will benefit ourselves more than the kids, now are we heading down the road of bad parenting. Is putting our own feelings before our childrens’ a weakness in the parental role, would personally have to say yes.
So where do we as adults decide not to put our children before ourselves, I think its when they are adults and flown the coup?
So is it possible for parents when things are going wrong with each to put the kids first? Initially I think it is a priority for the parents because problems don’t just occur like a bomb going off, there always little irksome problems leading up to the bomb going off. What would happen if they parents put their kids first at the irksome stage, maybe they could sort these little problems out because there is a bigger picture involved? Now of course this scenario excludes things like mental instability, alcoholism and personality disorders, goes without saying.
It was my sons 18th birthday today, had hoped it would be special, even in a little way but it was a none entity. Few weeks back met the ex wife and tried to have a wee talk with her about the kids, of course heavy on my mind was maybe arranging something special that we could have done for his birthday, unfortunately she wouldn’t talk and changed the conversation to about her.
Didn’t think it would have killed us to have made a special effort to make his day a little special, something that he could have looked back on and saw how we cared enough that we put aside our ill feelings especially for him. I suppose I was being idealistic and maybe I was dreaming about a fairy land not reality. As I said his was today (22nd) yet the exs family had his present presentation on a Sunday because it was easier, fuck me am I the only one that believes 18 is special? So today I texted him wishing him happy birthday and told him I wanted to take him out for a meal, sister invited as well but he was to “busy”, so I never got to share this special day.
Been wondering if he has played it down so that if it felt it meant nothing to him then it really wasn’t important? I was wondering if he wanted to hide away from it all, if so then it has to be from his environment, the creation of this nasty place has to be laid firmly at the door of his parents. Had an interesting conversation with a friend a few nights ago that very firmly believed that when holes start to form in the relationship get out soon, kids will be better off without the turmoil….at the moment it seems a very powerful argument. In my mind though, it shows that the decision made about the kids was an easy excuse to toss the relationship. I do realise that adults let things get out of hand and blow their loved (love itself) ones away, is that a second plus for the above argument?
Would this have been a better scenario for my family, would it have helped the adults and the children more?
Maybe if we had split when they were really young they now would be different young people, happier and more stable??
Problem most people face and the reason they don’t abandon ship early is, in this scenario loves doesn’t die equally, unfortunately in the high percentage of cases one of the adult’s love stays intact which blinds them to the changes that the other partner (very loosely used) is going through. So it develops into a clinging case with the one still in love hoping for the return of the partner they were (still are) in love with but that one doesn’t return, sometimes they become another person all together.
So here we are at full circle asking the same questions as I did at the beginning but know you know why I started this.
As has been stated at the intro to my blog it was going to be my ramblings but until now have tried to keep my personal experiences generalised but I know that none of my family or anyone associated there in reads this thus the personal tones of this blog. Its my blog and its there to help me ramble and hopefully clear my mind, hurting all the time just to myself gets a little bit painful so you lot (if anyone is reading this that is lol) can share with me

Fun Run

Thursday 02/07/09
So there I was amazed by this big yellow thing in the sky, maybe it was the second coming and the dam thing was warm nay hot too. Then theres the Loopy (female friend from a biker forum) dancing and frolicking with flowers in her hair and a bikini on to worship this very strange object. Me thinks its an omen, its saying Ray, ray (a lot of rays came from it, probably had a stammer) take the blade go on... Go on, its such a beautiful machine and its the fastest colour too. Bring it out let me see you mastering down these lovely twisty roads, shine for me ray (at least that's what I thought it said, I definitely heard the words ray and shine it may have called me son too)
So I prepare my day, in such a manner that I can get most of my work done by 2--3ish and then I can play......destination Lairg (Google earth it)

Around 4ish I head off in bright sunshine and clear skies, thoughts of Loopy wearing just a bra under her jacket and I'm forced to wear a huge T shirt its just not fair.
Roads are great not to much traffic and blade biting at the bit, its all good, big smile in the helmet and a lovely warm feeling in my bones. This is only my second trip outside the county for this bike, first one was when I was first able to ride again about a month after my accident last year, when the old blade was totally written off. So its on and southwards, oh this feels good.

Silly me it was a fecking trap, get to a village called Helmsdale and I'm beginning to think those are pretty dark clouds just past it, anyway being the brave hero you've all grown to love (I.e. Stupid and Reckless) I continue to next town because that's where the petrol station is....................oh dear not a good idea. In the distance I can see the lightening fork its way down onto the sea, no problem that's a good couple of miles out............second bad thought. Half way between the two places the sky goes completely black, hailstones start bouncing off my arms (ouch seriously), then in the next second the heavens open and I'm caught in a thunderstorm. The rain is coming down so hard that floods are forming on the road, cars in front of me have slowed down to 35--40 mph. Its so wet and dark I cant see the road, I try to check my mirrors for anything behind but can see that far. The cars in front have their lights on (I switch to full beam) so at least I'm able to follow the lights, I do have a good knowledge of the road so this wasn't as foolish as it may sound.
Arms getting very wet, water running down my legs filling my boots, gloves saturated, legs getting wet too, visibility down to about 20 metres, one of the cars in front pulls of the road, I presume its a bit too much for them. This continues (thunder, lightening [now it seems to be hitting the road ahead] and torrential rain for about 4 -5 miles and then just clears up. Oh forget to mention in the middle of this the wind became really strong, just adding a little more pressure.
Waoo I'm through it continue to next town, Brora for my petrol, fill up and enter the station to pay, where I'm greeted by a mono syllabic non communicative sales girl, oh the charms of Brora, not indicative though lol. When I come out again I look in the direction of Lairg and think that the sky is way too black over there, so wisely think "Home James".
I head back north and when I get to the place of the storm, its now moved on but there is still a little rain for a few miles but its nothing serious. Heading further north now up past Helmsdale and the skies start to clear and the sun is still shining, so at least I get to play the rest of the way home. Its a lovely run home until a bird decided to commit Hari Keri on my helmet, feck me those little beggars can really make an impact, I'm lucky though because it connected with the helmet just above the visor, which would have very serious consequences. Now my neck is sore.

Riding up my road (into my house) and the sky is black, the thunder storm has beat me to it lol. Now this is strange out of one window I have calmness and bright sunshine on the other side of the house the wind is getting up and the storm is doing its business, lightening, thunder and rain.
You have to admit its exciting and in a weird perverse way I thoroughly enjoyed the ride (the rain was warm so it wasn't a big deal) fairly disappointed I didn't get to Lairg, need to try again ;)

Sad truths

"There's one sad truth in life I've found, While journeying east and west
The only folks we really wound, Are those we love the best.
We flatter those we scarcely know, We please the fleeting guest,
And deal full many a thoughtless blow, To those who love us best."

Weekend and more

Weekends

Well its been a long time since I posted, need to change that lol. Had been planning on writing something about not writing which had me going around in circles.
Inspiration popped up again and this time its an old story, basically I generally hate weekends.
Use to love them, it was a time when I used to get more time with the ex, also meant more time as a family group. Sunday mornings used to be my favorite, well I suppose it was usually lunchtime before we got up, yip Sundays aaaahhh (best way I cant think of making a happy sigh sound) But that was in a different lifetime, a really good time oh yeah.
Now Im not so keen on them (weekends) I used to work them prior to the bike accident and never was too happy about that. The reason for going out to work was not a pleasant one and it wasnt for financial needs. I did so because it was more pleasant being stood at the doors being abused by drunks than staying home. I can cope with abuse from strangers fairly well but from a loved one is unbearable.
Now that Im alone weekends are strange. Going out from where I live means taxis which have become quite expensive. So Im not keen on doing that every weekend, it generally means a night out can cost about £50-80 depending what is done. Have to admit that it gets pretty boring too as its basically the same faces every weekend. So to enjoy a good night out its better to do it on rare occasions. This unfortunately means that I spend most weekends at home.
Now if its a nice sunny weekend then the Blade comes out this means its a good time, nothing as good as racing around the countryside on the bike, fairly blows the cobwebs away. Unfortuantely not all weekends are sunny so they are usually spent about the home.
Its strange but why does these two days become different from all the other days, its not like I work a normal week? It has to be memories buried deep down in my head and heart.
I think part of the answer is that its "family" time too, where in my case its is no family time and that is something I find impossible to come to terms with.
Typical seperated person experience I suppose, its just all new to me. There are a lot of very lonely people out there and I assume there are special days that are as hard on them too.
Been a week since I started this, left it off because it wasnt hitting where I wanted it too.
But weekends means people relaxing having fun coupling, forming relationships and getting with their lives generally with another human. Most of them are young and its just nature doing what comes naturally. Thats why they hurt, Im old now, weekends arnt that mad and good anymore, so they just make me feel sort of past it.
Its Sunday night but not just any sunday night, its Fathers day, I have no cards nor any pressies, been asked several times today what did I get, its very hard to tell people I got nothing. They look at you with either sympathy or a look that says "feck me what did you do to your kids"?
Watched Defiance last night, made me realise how stupid we are. We have such easy lifes that we can act like spiteful kids to each other and the closer the person is to us the more nasty we can be. Feck me we pick fights with our mates, family and we keep them going until we end up not speaking or until we seperate. Some people do it more and go to a deep nastier level because we cant stand that the person we are fucking with dosnt show hatred back to us. Ive found that this is smomething that is caused by early childhood experiences and I believe that the nasty one dosnt even know it. Ignoring the deep psychological problems that people have, Im so amazed how as petty humans we need to hurt those that love us. Im beginning to think its because we dont have great turmoil in our lifes, life isnt basic anymore, hunt, food , breed we are to advanced for that but we find some other battle. Cant go to war so lets fuck with ourselves but hey use our soul mates instead. Ive talked to loads of divorced people these last few years and I keep hearing the same thing, he/she was my soulmate wtf. So in this very short life we meet someone special to us and then we become so petty that we hurt them, drag them through courts and never speak to them again. One life one chance, never to repeat it and yet we fill it and our friends with nastyness, why, I have a theory but thats for another blog post.

Demons, Terrors, Flashbacks and Loneliness

This is just pure ramblings which will be added to as thoughts occur to me. Not going to get bogged down on research because I don’t want to duplicate someone else’s work and want it to be as natural rantings as possibly. So I think I need to in general, steer clear of professional texts. Lets wander back to last weekend, it was an awful time, so glad its over but once again it fits into the flashback category, with some terror thrown in and haunting (not completely sure whither to use the words demons there)
Now let me try to explain things a little clearer and Ill make a reference to the piece Marrakech. That was 2007 and if you read through it you can see what my goal and aims were by taking the trip. From looking back I did (or thought so at the time) achieve them, which I was proud off but its April 09 and at times I find myself back to pre that trip emotions and at sometimes feeling worse. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t an everyday occurrence and to be honest I really don’t think I could cope if it was. So times are good and times are horrible, last weekend just happened to fall into the latter category.
Just in case you have forgotten what’s been happening these past few years, a quick synopses. Wife left and took kids with her, that was a couple of years ago but in spirit she removed herself in spirit several years before. Although its been over two years ago I’m still having problems with things, which is one of the reasons for starting this blog and secondly as I hopefully work my way through it, maybe others will read it empathise and find solace.
Flashbacks, why do we have them, I suppose something triggers our memory, a sound, a smell, a place or a sight?
These I can understand as our memories make us what we are but the ones that appear out the blue, now that just isn’t fair. Of course they come in different formats too, for example there are the ones tha t shoot into your head but with decent willpower you can shove them back into that mental box which you had hoped was locked. Other ones aren't so easy to get a grip with, for example the ones that comes in the night.
When you find yourself in the presence of someone who was your best friend and lover again in a scenario that is warm beautiful and special, the sensation of how special it was comes flooding over your whole body and soul. You’re tingling again in a way that you recognise, you touch and even caress. This moment is only broken when you turn in your bed half awake now and cuddle an empty space, your now wide awake with a start and foolishly you reach and look but there is no one there. Now this is the flashback from hell in the sense that it’s the flashback from heaven.
Now you’re wide awake and you’ve be en subjected to these memories for ages in your sleep, so you can’t just brush them off. They cling to you to like a blanket, smells, tastes and even physically you are enveloped. It’s at this point blame the vta.
This is one of the most torturous happenings that occur to you and it can take most of the day to get ride of it. Actually in the beginning I remember it taking days for me to get through it. Its not that it’s just the memories that now consume you, it’s the fact they let you know how alone you are. They also make it a million times harder for you to rationalise that the person who these feelings you’re having about is actually dead (metaphorically speaking). In the daytime flashbacks, you let your brain step in take over from your emotions thus letting you see the reality of the past and why you’re at this lonely place, it’s not what you wished and worked to have this for yourself. This isn’t all your doing (albeit you may have contributed to it). But at twenty you didn’t set down a goal for your life, which stated that you would be successfully situated in a lonely world with barely any communication from your family (family being the unit that you created, not our parents etc) and visualised a quiet demise by yourself, no there aren't many people wanting that as a goal in their life. There is a wonderful old saying which sums it up lovely
“Better never to have met you in my dreams than to wake and reach for hands that are not there”

Why do these things keep occurring and why is it that some people switch off almost immediately. Sometimes I wish I was one of those that when you talk to them about their divorce, they sweat venom, bile and hatred for their ex, it seems to make life so much easier for them, but to be honest I don’t want to be like that and having known a few and known both parties, their ability to create this heightened state, upsets me and is generally not justifiable. So you can have two people from same home going different ways, one is full of mad hate and the other still full of emotions. That's a hard one to try to explain, if we take the work of Pro. Helen Fisher it does go a long way to explain the latter, might go into more detail on that later. Having said that it all boils down to chemicals and their subsequent effect on other parts of the brain, what is more interesting is the fact that two people can experience the same situation and have different reactions. Love and hate same chemical coin?

So back to the weekend, I had one of those dream flashbacks and you would think I wouldn’t be getting them now but how wrong. Unfortunately it made itself felt heavily present almost the whole time. It did go away but it wasn’t an easy fight, so I ask myself why now, why after so long? Will they stop or will I always get them?

I also think its not the person you really crave ,its what was between you, what you shared, it was special. That is my opinion on why your craving, I mean who wants somebody again that they spent years arguing with before they went their separate ways. No its that special coupling (that existed, soul mate best friend)that is craved but unfortunately as we cant envisage spiritual beings we need to put a body to our needs and sadly for us its our ex that fills that need (simply because you experienced those feelings with them) until someone else comes along, maybe?
Thought just came to me, surely it must be more difficult to even get near to finding that scenario again as we get older. I mean we have seen so much, been hurt so much, how can we even think about really trying to start over again, in the hope of meeting a new soul mate, surely our cynical natures (honed by years of pain) won’t allow us to try and really go there? Or maybe the desperation of not wanting to end our journeys alone will force us to seek that new friend. Maybe we will let our brains rule and find somebody that ticks enough boxes that enable us to be able to live with them, better than alone??
Or are we forever optimists and will search on against all the logic that our brains throw at us so that we can have “the romance” in our lives again. Which of these would you settle for?

Enough rantings for now.

Christmas 2008

Well it’s that time of year again, think it’s a good time to go away. This time I'm thinking of going to Lanzarote to see a mate, as he is single and living away from home I won’t be intruding on a family feast. Have been checking flights but they are really expensive for that time of year, so it doesn’t look like Ill make it. The good news is that there are plenty of cheap late deals going as long as I don’t care where I go and to be honest I don’t.
Before I can make any serious arrangements I need to see if I can get my cats fed while I'm away for the week. Asked Julie and she has agreed, cool
So having checked the internet I have narrowed it down to about 5 places, need to pop into town and get some euros and also give keys to Julie. Got the euros, Julie next, oh dear this is where it all falls apart. I had misheard Julie and thought that she was going away the same day I was coming back…wrong…she is off on Boxing day, so I cant go now. The good news is that I still haven't booked anywhere so no money lost and its Christmas at home for me.
Well might as well make the most of it, got myself a huge tree its lovely and some decorations. I also have some pressies from friends to put under it.
Have done all my gifting that I'm doing, gave the kids cash so they can spend it on whatever they like, as I rarely ever see them I don’t know what they want or like anymore.
Its nearly Christmas day and I have had several offers from friends to spend the day as I'm not going and away and they don’t like the idea of me spending it alone. Really nice of them but I decline their offers and its not that I don’t really appreciate I really really do. It’s the fact that Christmas day is for families and I'm not part of theirs, I also don’t want them to be worrying about keeping me happy when all they should be doing is opening pressies and having a great time. Another reason is that as I would be watching all of this going on it would make me miss my own family even more and I don’t want to get depressed and spoil my friends’ fun.
Got chatting to Roisin on msn and she was complaining about going to the browns and having to put up with all the “drinking” so I offered to cook Christmas dinner for her and boyfriend but she said she would prefer to see her cousin, at least I offered
Its Christmas morning and its lovely and sunny so to hell with it I think ill take the Blade out for a spin, my pressy to me. Oh dear yellow light is on need petrol and as there is a 24 hour Tesco station (that takes cards) I head off to fill up. Nope that's completely closed, can’t use self service with card either, dam it back to the house. It’s a real shame because the roads are empty, dry and clean.
Back at the house time for a warm cuppa and time to give Bob and Ted (my cats) their pressies, won’t open mine until tea time (dinner)
Cuppa in hand watching rubbish on telly, forcing my mind to think that it’s just an ordinary day but it would help if there was something decent on.
Christmas dinner time, I have cooked a chicken and its quite good, so here I am with my dinner on my lap, surrounding by nobody, it’s a fecking awful feeling. This is the most loneliest time of the year even for a single person without any family. But as a dad, its diabolical, mind plays very nasty games. I see my family surrounding by in-laws having the time of their lives and I should be happy for them but its not that simple.
I see me from a third party’s point of view as if I’m a fly on a wall. I see the big house the sofa and this lonely figure eating off his lap on Christmas day but the real sad element to the picture is the fact that he has family and they dont care enough to even say hello on Christmas day.
To cheer myself up I open the pressies I have from under the tree and they are cool, would have liked to have opened something from my kids though, even a card to put on the mantle would have been nice.
Its at times like these when you start to soul search, hoping to find answers, you put yourself down, you query how awful a dad you must have been. Because of the time of year and the black lonely mood, its almost impossible to see a light. Thoughts are darker at these times; the black hole has no light when you look up.
If anyone finds themselves about to spend their Christmas alone like this and you think (like I did) that you have to face it because it is your future, take my advice DON’T, volunteer for some charity work or something on the day, whatever you do don’t be alone on that day, it’s away far to dangerous.
Do not be alone at Christmas especially if its within the first few years unless you’ve got a very strong personality and if that is the case you probably don’t care anyway.