Christmas 2008

Well it’s that time of year again, think it’s a good time to go away. This time I'm thinking of going to Lanzarote to see a mate, as he is single and living away from home I won’t be intruding on a family feast. Have been checking flights but they are really expensive for that time of year, so it doesn’t look like Ill make it. The good news is that there are plenty of cheap late deals going as long as I don’t care where I go and to be honest I don’t.
Before I can make any serious arrangements I need to see if I can get my cats fed while I'm away for the week. Asked Julie and she has agreed, cool
So having checked the internet I have narrowed it down to about 5 places, need to pop into town and get some euros and also give keys to Julie. Got the euros, Julie next, oh dear this is where it all falls apart. I had misheard Julie and thought that she was going away the same day I was coming back…wrong…she is off on Boxing day, so I cant go now. The good news is that I still haven't booked anywhere so no money lost and its Christmas at home for me.
Well might as well make the most of it, got myself a huge tree its lovely and some decorations. I also have some pressies from friends to put under it.
Have done all my gifting that I'm doing, gave the kids cash so they can spend it on whatever they like, as I rarely ever see them I don’t know what they want or like anymore.
Its nearly Christmas day and I have had several offers from friends to spend the day as I'm not going and away and they don’t like the idea of me spending it alone. Really nice of them but I decline their offers and its not that I don’t really appreciate I really really do. It’s the fact that Christmas day is for families and I'm not part of theirs, I also don’t want them to be worrying about keeping me happy when all they should be doing is opening pressies and having a great time. Another reason is that as I would be watching all of this going on it would make me miss my own family even more and I don’t want to get depressed and spoil my friends’ fun.
Got chatting to Roisin on msn and she was complaining about going to the browns and having to put up with all the “drinking” so I offered to cook Christmas dinner for her and boyfriend but she said she would prefer to see her cousin, at least I offered
Its Christmas morning and its lovely and sunny so to hell with it I think ill take the Blade out for a spin, my pressy to me. Oh dear yellow light is on need petrol and as there is a 24 hour Tesco station (that takes cards) I head off to fill up. Nope that's completely closed, can’t use self service with card either, dam it back to the house. It’s a real shame because the roads are empty, dry and clean.
Back at the house time for a warm cuppa and time to give Bob and Ted (my cats) their pressies, won’t open mine until tea time (dinner)
Cuppa in hand watching rubbish on telly, forcing my mind to think that it’s just an ordinary day but it would help if there was something decent on.
Christmas dinner time, I have cooked a chicken and its quite good, so here I am with my dinner on my lap, surrounding by nobody, it’s a fecking awful feeling. This is the most loneliest time of the year even for a single person without any family. But as a dad, its diabolical, mind plays very nasty games. I see my family surrounding by in-laws having the time of their lives and I should be happy for them but its not that simple.
I see me from a third party’s point of view as if I’m a fly on a wall. I see the big house the sofa and this lonely figure eating off his lap on Christmas day but the real sad element to the picture is the fact that he has family and they dont care enough to even say hello on Christmas day.
To cheer myself up I open the pressies I have from under the tree and they are cool, would have liked to have opened something from my kids though, even a card to put on the mantle would have been nice.
Its at times like these when you start to soul search, hoping to find answers, you put yourself down, you query how awful a dad you must have been. Because of the time of year and the black lonely mood, its almost impossible to see a light. Thoughts are darker at these times; the black hole has no light when you look up.
If anyone finds themselves about to spend their Christmas alone like this and you think (like I did) that you have to face it because it is your future, take my advice DON’T, volunteer for some charity work or something on the day, whatever you do don’t be alone on that day, it’s away far to dangerous.
Do not be alone at Christmas especially if its within the first few years unless you’ve got a very strong personality and if that is the case you probably don’t care anyway.