Demons, Terrors, Flashbacks and Loneliness

This is just pure ramblings which will be added to as thoughts occur to me. Not going to get bogged down on research because I don’t want to duplicate someone else’s work and want it to be as natural rantings as possibly. So I think I need to in general, steer clear of professional texts. Lets wander back to last weekend, it was an awful time, so glad its over but once again it fits into the flashback category, with some terror thrown in and haunting (not completely sure whither to use the words demons there)
Now let me try to explain things a little clearer and Ill make a reference to the piece Marrakech. That was 2007 and if you read through it you can see what my goal and aims were by taking the trip. From looking back I did (or thought so at the time) achieve them, which I was proud off but its April 09 and at times I find myself back to pre that trip emotions and at sometimes feeling worse. Don’t get me wrong this isn’t an everyday occurrence and to be honest I really don’t think I could cope if it was. So times are good and times are horrible, last weekend just happened to fall into the latter category.
Just in case you have forgotten what’s been happening these past few years, a quick synopses. Wife left and took kids with her, that was a couple of years ago but in spirit she removed herself in spirit several years before. Although its been over two years ago I’m still having problems with things, which is one of the reasons for starting this blog and secondly as I hopefully work my way through it, maybe others will read it empathise and find solace.
Flashbacks, why do we have them, I suppose something triggers our memory, a sound, a smell, a place or a sight?
These I can understand as our memories make us what we are but the ones that appear out the blue, now that just isn’t fair. Of course they come in different formats too, for example there are the ones tha t shoot into your head but with decent willpower you can shove them back into that mental box which you had hoped was locked. Other ones aren't so easy to get a grip with, for example the ones that comes in the night.
When you find yourself in the presence of someone who was your best friend and lover again in a scenario that is warm beautiful and special, the sensation of how special it was comes flooding over your whole body and soul. You’re tingling again in a way that you recognise, you touch and even caress. This moment is only broken when you turn in your bed half awake now and cuddle an empty space, your now wide awake with a start and foolishly you reach and look but there is no one there. Now this is the flashback from hell in the sense that it’s the flashback from heaven.
Now you’re wide awake and you’ve be en subjected to these memories for ages in your sleep, so you can’t just brush them off. They cling to you to like a blanket, smells, tastes and even physically you are enveloped. It’s at this point blame the vta.
This is one of the most torturous happenings that occur to you and it can take most of the day to get ride of it. Actually in the beginning I remember it taking days for me to get through it. Its not that it’s just the memories that now consume you, it’s the fact they let you know how alone you are. They also make it a million times harder for you to rationalise that the person who these feelings you’re having about is actually dead (metaphorically speaking). In the daytime flashbacks, you let your brain step in take over from your emotions thus letting you see the reality of the past and why you’re at this lonely place, it’s not what you wished and worked to have this for yourself. This isn’t all your doing (albeit you may have contributed to it). But at twenty you didn’t set down a goal for your life, which stated that you would be successfully situated in a lonely world with barely any communication from your family (family being the unit that you created, not our parents etc) and visualised a quiet demise by yourself, no there aren't many people wanting that as a goal in their life. There is a wonderful old saying which sums it up lovely
“Better never to have met you in my dreams than to wake and reach for hands that are not there”

Why do these things keep occurring and why is it that some people switch off almost immediately. Sometimes I wish I was one of those that when you talk to them about their divorce, they sweat venom, bile and hatred for their ex, it seems to make life so much easier for them, but to be honest I don’t want to be like that and having known a few and known both parties, their ability to create this heightened state, upsets me and is generally not justifiable. So you can have two people from same home going different ways, one is full of mad hate and the other still full of emotions. That's a hard one to try to explain, if we take the work of Pro. Helen Fisher it does go a long way to explain the latter, might go into more detail on that later. Having said that it all boils down to chemicals and their subsequent effect on other parts of the brain, what is more interesting is the fact that two people can experience the same situation and have different reactions. Love and hate same chemical coin?

So back to the weekend, I had one of those dream flashbacks and you would think I wouldn’t be getting them now but how wrong. Unfortunately it made itself felt heavily present almost the whole time. It did go away but it wasn’t an easy fight, so I ask myself why now, why after so long? Will they stop or will I always get them?

I also think its not the person you really crave ,its what was between you, what you shared, it was special. That is my opinion on why your craving, I mean who wants somebody again that they spent years arguing with before they went their separate ways. No its that special coupling (that existed, soul mate best friend)that is craved but unfortunately as we cant envisage spiritual beings we need to put a body to our needs and sadly for us its our ex that fills that need (simply because you experienced those feelings with them) until someone else comes along, maybe?
Thought just came to me, surely it must be more difficult to even get near to finding that scenario again as we get older. I mean we have seen so much, been hurt so much, how can we even think about really trying to start over again, in the hope of meeting a new soul mate, surely our cynical natures (honed by years of pain) won’t allow us to try and really go there? Or maybe the desperation of not wanting to end our journeys alone will force us to seek that new friend. Maybe we will let our brains rule and find somebody that ticks enough boxes that enable us to be able to live with them, better than alone??
Or are we forever optimists and will search on against all the logic that our brains throw at us so that we can have “the romance” in our lives again. Which of these would you settle for?

Enough rantings for now.